The math of adult friendships

Valentine's day special edition ❤️

I’ve been meaning to write about this topic for quite a long time. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it felt right to talk about it now.

The math of adult friendships. Why are they so hard?

A few years ago, I remember talking with my mom about how hard is to lose important people we love in different stages of life. She was going through a rough chapter in her life after saying goodbye to some of her close friends due to all kinds of differences. She told me that it was part of letting go of friends that we don’t have the same things in common anymore and that it was necessary to close old doors to open new ones. I remember feeling sad after our chat. I kinda resented her for saying that to me because although she was sharing her experiences with care and wisdom, I wasn’t ready to hear that it could come to a time when I would grow apart from some of my best friends.

As it happens, my mom was right and a few years later her words resonated in my life when one of my best friends from childhood and I stopped talking after more than 10 years of being friends. At that moment I remember being so confused, angry, and sad about the reason our friendship ended the way it did. I believe that sometimes friendship breakups hurt more like a romantic breakup but we don’t see them on the same level, romantic breakups sell better, and they have been so popular in movies, books, and media for as long as we exist as a society.

For a long time after losing this friendship, I spent quite some time disappointed and became a little bit of a cynic when it came to making new friends. Going through a breakup can lead us to become fearful of making new connections. It took me months to be ready to start socializing again, and to become open to the idea of making new friendships.

I think losing good friends is hard, but making new friends as an adult is harder.

When you are young, making friends is actually quite simple. You go to the same school or you live in the same block, and that proximity makes things so easy for you to keep the friendship with almost no commitment. As we grow older, we start to leave our homes and we go to different colleges, make new circles of friends, get married, and have kids. Friendship becomes a harder commitment. An investment of time and a lot of effort.

After moving to Vancouver in 2021, keeping old friends back home but also allowing the space to make new ones in Vancouver has been challenging. Making friends and building meaningful connections at this age is so rare.